The Mallu $pirit !

A recently declassified NASA’s X-file reported that when ‘Neil Armstrong’ set his foot on moon, he was bowled over by ‘Mr.Kuttapan’ who offered Neil a ‘chaya’ brewed at his ‘chayakkada’.Until this date, Kuttapan’s pedigree is the only available citation with NASA for the existence of life in outer space. Rumor has it that Kuttapan’s forefather Chandran (may be that’s the reason why moon is called ‘Chandran’ in malayalam) had immigrated to the new domicile when the British East India Company’s colonization grew to intolerable heights. It is true that there is a Mallu in every nook of this universe where life can exist & not to mention that we hug on to our formidable culture; no matter what it takes.Apparently our culture & arts have charmed many enthusiasts & that is the raison d'être for this post.
Quite recently my colleague queried about Kerala’s culture & art forms
*gasp!!!* - *choke!!!* I gave it a thought & said ‘Kadhakali, Karalipayattu & Vallamkali’.

Kadhakali – a theatrical art from Kerala








Karalipayattu – Martial art form of Kerala








Vallamkali – Snake boat racing, Kerala









But it took me a second to understand that her intention was to brag about her state’s art & culture. Her explaination about some Punjabi art forms, sounded as though Punjab is a distant cousin & that they are in no way behind the ‘Gods own country’. Now the need to come up with some counterpoint became a must. Then, like a revelation it came to my tongue ‘VELLAM`ADI’ [Art of boozing, & as a rule it turns into a carouse, Kerala style]& then for the next half hour I enlightened her with the details of this intricate art form. How communal the event is & how people muster around, thin down the barriers of cast, creed, age & color when booze is around! & how good a Government we have that patronize this art. It is said that there are plans to give subsidies on booze to entertain & popularize this art. The long queues in front of the ‘Wine shops & military canteen’ especially when Onam, Christmas or Ramsan is around is impressive. No matter what or who’s festival it is, we mallu’s rejoice & demonstrate our unity in diversity. It surely inspires the youth of the nation to shelve their petty differences! The legend has it that Kerala was reclaimed from the ‘waters’ [aka VELLAM – thus the name Vellam-Adi] by Parashurama’s Mazhu (axe) & thus the citizens of his ‘nation from the waters’ pay tribute to his great ‘Mazhu’ by practicing the elegant art of Vellam`adi & utter with pride “Adichu Mazhu ayadai !”.The fascinating feature of this art is that there is no specific time to practice this artform, preferably almost all days when the sun takes shade below the horizon. Feeling gloomy? ‘wash the stains of depression with Booze’, Heart broken? “It is a Superglue”, Happy? “There ain`t a party without It!” feeling bored ? “Gulp it! Than wait for the devils to entertain your idle brain!!!” & Once my description was over, the antagonist had her jaws dropped ,eyes popped out...



PS : My fellow patrons , the dialogues scribbled below might assist you to take a stroll down memory lane ;)

In cricket if the ball clears the fence it is a ‘SIX’
If the foot ball evades the goalie & finds the target, the audience yell “GOAL’
When you score in VELLAM ADI, you yell

“Aliya , adichu Fittaye”

“Adichu Quintaye”

“Sho!Adichu Konjaaye pooye”

“Mattam aayeda”

“Adichu Cone thirinju pooye”

“Knokout akkikalanju”

“Adichu Pimpiri ayirunnu”

“Vallu mathrammo? oru Vall payatinu ullatu undairunnu”

“Adichu konjaata ayye”

"Adichu oru bothavum ellairunnu" !!!*Puke* *Barf*!!!

Remains of Reminiscence

If the college days are the best, then there ought to be moments that are ‘better than the best’ .Those treasured moments of humor which still fuel our repartees, add zing to our lives & this post is an attempt to chronicle that facet of our academic life. I’m raising this toast as a tribute to ‘all F.R.I.E.N.D.S’.
Achtung! : This post is painfully long, Through out I’ve used only nicknames & anonymity is a luxury that I wouldz like to provide all those whose nicknames if I take, would call for a censorship certificate.

Here it goes...

Sports day was around the corner & it is customary to have our National Flag hoisted on that day. This time the responsibility to pick a fresh flag from the store was on the house captain's shoulder. Mr.Mandan summons Luttapi & Aadambaram to keep him company while he picks the flag at a shop in the city. Aadu (Aadambaram) with an apparent disinterest in shopping or rather, with an interest to take a 'nicotine punch' stays outside the shop.Mandan & Luttapi; owing to unavailability had to pick the last flag,but it was withered. Aadu became upset after seeing the flag; he took it back to the shop keeper & asked“Anna ,ethithae Veerae COLOR kodi kittumo” The shopkeeper & those on the scene literally laughed to death.

‘Kelavan’s Maruthi-800 used to be ‘prime de transport’ for the bunch of buddies; cramped with 6-8 guys, it used to whine all the way from the moment it’s engine was fired up. On a drive back home through the rural roads, ‘Manichi’(as in Manichan : King Pin of Kerala liquor lobby) knocks down a hen that crossed the road. Some one from the back seat cries “Aliya, oru paavapettavante kanjikudiyaa nee muttichae; Locals kai vaikkum munpu vandi vito”. Though we expected Manichi to hit the throttle, he shifts to ‘reverse gear’, pulled over the car next to the corpse, opens his door & tosses the dead chick into the car. Soon the question came! “Chae ! enthuvaada kolapaathathinte thelivu nasipikaan aano ? eesadanathinae ethinte akathu eduthu ettathu ?“ & he justification was “Eda , Oru kingfisher Beer`intae koodae evanayum kooti adichal ondallo ! SMART ayerikkum” hmmm... quite rational! No guilt, no remorse, none was ready to wait & on that evening at Chatti’s home, the chick becomes a luscious side dish long with wine!

During Cricket-net practice, the ball ripped through the net, bounced over aledge & went into a ditch. 'Mr.Parambil' who went to search the ball, didn’t see it & takes a squatting posture to have a closer look into the pit. Mean while a construction worker who passes by, observes Parambil’s poster & the nauseous look on his face & Yells “Chae , Ethokkae public ayitaano ? akathengum toilet ellae ?“

Dress Code was a necessary evil that we all had to abide by. Our allegiance to the college directives called for frequent patrols by the Princi. Our usual Hangout used to be the bench next to men’s toilet (1st floor). Believe me, this place smells like **** & the lavatory is worse than the public toilets. The reason for affinity to this place was that it was located next to BioTech class room & a crowd at this muster station was quite natural… Amidst a regular union, a crackling voice comes from the ground floor “Aliyoo . Princi Varunundae” … & such a circumstance impels a “Pulivarunundae Puli…!” situation… …Everyone scrambles for refuge in a trice, except 'Mr.Baiju' alias 'Flubi'who was unaware of the inbound havoc until he saw ‘ Princi’s Saree thumbu ’. Without a 2nd thought he rushed into the toilet but alas! Princi saw his move. Though we expected her to unleash a tremor, with utmost composure she latched the door & waited outside until the ‘intolerable *fragrance*’ overpowered Baiju & he started banging the closed door. “Odukam; Naatam sahichathum micham; Fain`um adichu”

Albin Sir introduces himself to the IT class & as a preparatory note queries his students’ understanding about the subject, “Tell me, what do you know about mathematics?” Tempted by the opportune moment to steal the lime light, Aadu shouts out “Saar! Ee foomiyudae Spanthanam Mathamaticsil aanu” & AlbinSir reciprocates “Evane okkae Aaaradaye ?.*...*.? GET OUT!!!”.

While touring Kodaikanal, we where put up in villas which were populated on grounds of the experience one had in ‘Vellamadi’(Art of Boozing).
‘Villa – A’ = Veterans , ‘Villa - B’ = 1st timers , ‘Villa - C’ = ‘ve tasted it.
At Villa – B, 'Poocha' keeps his Beer bottle over the bed & rummages around for an opener. 'CD Kannan' after seeing the corked bottle says impatiently “Da Poochae Pottikeda kuppi” .Responding to the call, Poocha makes a swift pivot, trips the bottle over to the floor !!!PattaaaasH!!! . CD in anger “Ninoodu kuppi thurakkanalae ghan paranjollu ! athu tharayil ettu potichelooda mahaa paapi ! ” .The bottle broke, messing the room with fizz & stench; poocha spends the whole night washing the floor & driving out the odour with perfume & after shave lotions.
At Villa – C, 'Mr.Perichaazhi' takes the opened bottle cap; smells the beverage & falls flat ‘Knocked Out’ on the bed. 'Mr.Kulseen'(Peeping-tom) tastes a peg & starts off an abusive verbal spree (‘Theri abishekam’) in his typical high bass vocals which sounded like a ‘tribal tongue’.
At Villa – A, The party is live even after the lights go out in erstwhile cottages, but none were allowed to sleep, as the big guns (veterans) run free a ‘ROLE’ rampage. None can be convicted, for they were complying with the maxim that had transformed from ‘Vellam adichal vayathil kidakkanam’ to much logical motto ‘Vellam adichal ROLE kaanikkanam’. 'Shuppandi' was found lurking around a ridge & threatening to take a bungee jump (would’ve been his last one).Walking over flames (‘kanalaatam’) didn’t seem to be a big deal when ‘Flubi’ marched across the smouldering camp fire. Mr.X was found along with the floor mattresses of another villa while 'Chatti' was storming other villas, waking up every one. 'Vattan' was the sole guard who took pain to herd the wild pack back to its den while Mr.Y was sipping it all ‘on the rocks’ with out much hubbubs. Slowly the kegs dried out , the party ended & lights went out in ‘Villa – A’ but after a few minutes guys learn that Mr.Y has gone missing. Light goes on again; Guys scatter out in search of missing ‘Y’ looked out for him even in the roads, fellows in other villas where called on to check if Y was in there, but he had gone missing. After a futile search they return back to the villa to spot Mr.Y taking a peaceful nap on the European closet.

1st Sports day in the college, Cricket match: Raman house chasing the score projected by Baba house. 'Mr.Luttapi' lectures the team his intricate strategy in which he is the opener & how he can exploit the oppositions bowling lineup. The game starts off, Luttapi clad in helmet & guards, waves to the crowd like a hero. The bowler takes the run up, Luttapi focuses & hammers his bat on the crease...the bowler at the other end of the pitch makes takes his run up,but Luttu seemed to be set for a blast; in the pavilion every one anticipates an enthralling innings from him. Then the bowler released the ball & the next second what we heard was a ‘Bhaaaaam !’ . The ball races to the boundary taking Luttapi’s middle stump along with it & Luttu , fearing 4 his life didn’t return back to the pavilion but takes cover in the crowd.




Early morning a brand new Scorpio streaks through the collage gates. At noon Vattan & a band of 4’ mounts the new ride; scrambles it in front of the Men’s Hostel & rips through the road as the whole campus kept watching. A few minutes later Manichi’s mobile rings & a voice from the other end cries out “Aliyaaaa Valichu ! Vandi marinju” & what was left behind at the spot was an SUV on its back, gazing the skies.


Poocha invites Mr.Z over to his house in order to flaunt his latest acquisition, a surround speaker system .Unfortunately it happened to be the day before university exams. Poocha plays the Bollywood flick ‘Kajraare’ with Ash clad in skimpy outfit. He increased the volume to show off what his new woofers can deliver, but in the end what it delivered was a vexed up ‘Poocha’s father’ who utters “Pareekshayudae thalae divasam pilleraeyum vilichiruthi Cabbera kandoondirinoolum !" . In a flash Poocha vanishes into the kitchen & Mr.Z scoots surreptitiously through the gate.

During an excursion of CS class to Kodaikanal Miss .D hops on a cycle & pedals off along the lake side road, with a bunch of pals escorting her. Being a first timer on bike ‘Miss .D’ is having a harrowing time, she had already fallen off thrice ... she reaches a crossing where a rally of foreigners in hefty choppers romps through. Seeing the ‘firangis’ she gets excited .She endeavors the crossing, bumps into the rally & clamps the break in front of a speeding Harley. The biker misses her by an inch & settle down beside her & yells in his deep voice “F* U B* !!!” . For not being acquainted with the European accent, she thought that ‘Saayiep’ was greeting & replied ‘Thank you’, leaving the white rider befuddled.



Then there was ‘ Flubi’ who’s ultimate ambition in life was to be an entrepreneur . Wanted to start a company & when we question about the initial investment, his answer is “Athinaanello da Sthreedhanam !!!”

And we had Mr Pezhichaazhi who bought the 1st Reliance "kar lo duniya muthi mein" mobile in the college.Over the period of time it became a Public Phone booth & when the phone bill arrived “Sab khogaya mitti mein !”

Mr. Pezhichaazhi was famous for his atypical side-splitting dialogues that he attempted to say in English.
Chingu to Pezhichaazhi
Chingu : “Da Nee manichiyae vilichittu parupaadi onnum ellengil 4 manikku parkilootu varan para” Then Pezhichaazhi rings up Manichi’s mobile
Pezhi: “Da nee eppole evidaeya ?”
Manchi: “Veetilaada”
Pezhi: “So what is Ur evening Problem?” what he actually implied was “What is ur evening program?”

In a KSRTC bus .
'Aadu' & 'Endra' gets absorbed in a loud chitchat. Intending to silence them, Pazhichazhi from the Back seat tells.
“Hushhh... No Smoking , No Smoking!” Though he intended to say ‘No talking’

In front of a SL theater
Guys plan to watch a movie, but confront a cash crunch. With anticipation to get money from Chingu who has not yet started from his home, Pazhichazhi says “Chingu veetil ninnum erangikaanathilla ..letz Call ME! “ & this time he wanted to say “Call Him”

Princi inspects the class after receiving a complaint that the benches are adorned with spectacular graffiti & doodles. The gem among them was the one created by 'Mr.Matha' that would‘ve put even MF Hussein to shame. Princi spots the art work, mean while 'Manichi' bumps into her, Princi asks Manichi “Edo ! ethu entha Ee varachu vaichirikunnathu ?”. Manichi had only heard about the existence of such a controversial picture; being overwhelmed by the art’s panache & that it was his first look at the masterpiece, Manichi break into uncontrolled laughter. Princi is stumped!

Kulsi’s acquaintance with Miss.X invited a good amount of envy & it seemed their alliance annoyed some of her ex’ fans. One day, out side the canteen ... as the duo walked into the cafeteria Flubi intends to tease Kulsi amidst X & the croud hanging around the cafeteria & asks ‘Enthu vaadai ethu , nannai kudae ninakku? ’ though Kulsi droops his head chammified. Miss.X makes a come back with acounter blast “Eyaal kuduthal onnum parayanda , kurachu naal thanum ente purakae nadanathallae” & walks into the canteen as Flubi stood speech less & searching for a cover from the flock that was laughing at him like the hyenas.

Some acts driven by blunt reason that comes by instinct used to be a trademark performance that had left many stunned & dumfounded... but when we replay those shots at the back of our mind it still possess truck loads of humor...
Aadu enteres into Chatti’s Car & slams the door behind him, thus provoking Chatti to say “Eda Piyae adayachoodae door”. Aadu opens the closed door casually & shuts it with care as the rest all looked baffled at his act.

'Kaavadi', 'Manichi' & 'Aadu' practices some flying kicks. Manichi being tall manages to kick high; Kavadi driven by spirits attempts to go higher than Manichi’s mark . Noticing kaavadi’s vein attempts, Aadu asks him ... “Da randu kaalum pokki chavittan pattumo ?” though we laughed at the comment ,to much of our amazement Kaavadi throws himself up into the air with both his legs off the ground & the outcome “Pathukooo !!!” Crash lands on his Ass...!


In between an excursion ‘Ettu Kaali’(spidey) happens to run into a booze Carouse & he loiters around the bunch aloofly, with an intention to amuse himself & enjoy the ‘other side’ of those who are high. Vaatan invites ‘Ettu kaali’ to taste some ‘Sprite’ & join the guys, but little did 'spidey' know that the drinks vattan served him were adulterated with vodka & when it was time to call it a day. The guys where amused by the entertainment put forth by ‘Ettu kaali’ .He who entered the room with 2 legs crawled back on 8 legs & thus his name ‘Ettu Kaali’.


During the same excursion ... It was new years eve; midnight. 'Chammathi' & a bunch of guys swarm into Soman’s room. For not having had a smooth relation with the guys, Soman suspect if their intentions are to ‘settle some scores ‘. Soman steels himself, clutched his fist & as he gets ready to go for the first punch; 'Chammanti' followed by the horde hurls their ‘lungis’ into the air & shouts ‘Kani Kani Kani ...New Year Kani !’ , Soman watched in dismay with his eyes popped out as if he had to eat the worst blow ever!!!
Manichi, Vattan & Mr.A went to attend an interview of AllSec:BPO in hotel Residency. The anchor was a HR who had a funny Tamil influence. During the introductory session Manichi notices some appealing gals seated infront & attempts to impress them by aping the HR’s accents while she was addressing the mass. When he saw some encouraging smiles for his comments, he tires to captivate the gals even more with his wits. Watching Manichis’s vein attempts Vattan & Mr.A breaks into muffled laughter & like a chain reaction the titter grows into a uncontrollable chuckle. The HR notices them & intending to put a stoop to their amusement, chides "If you are not interested please don’t disturb others". Vattan & ‘A’ scoots from the hall politely but Manichi was still not ready to hush & continued his monkey business. In the 1st round when HR asked him to give an intro, Owing to his enduring effort to ape the HR, he forgot to recover back to himself .He speaks out loud in HR’s funny tone; putting the congregation into a laughter spree & thus got himself kicked out.

Manichi’s flair for striking a self goal, his quips, slapstick jokes... the nerve with which he does it all is unparalleled. During the 2006 jobfair @ Cochin IT Park, interview with the Sutherland... The interviewer disappointed after evaluating Manichi’s technical knowledge tries to prompt some answers from him by asking topics he is sound at & asks about his mini project.
Lady: “Where did you do your Mini Project?”
Manichi: “ Keletron , Mam”
Lady: “So, tell me about Keletron”
Manichi (with total confidence): “Mam . Keletron is an IT company that supply missiles to VSSC !!!.”
Vanquished by shock, The Lady gasps.

College day... Time when one gets to flaunt the best from his/her wardrobe. Most of them have a taste for ethical wear; guys stick to ‘Mundu’ & gals ‘Saree’. But for the last College day some one chose to be different. Mr. Item gets himself some extra fittings & adorns himself in a ‘Saree’, captivating the eyes of almost all guys in the campus & fueling the furnace of envy in gals...On the top of it ‘he makes a special entry on to the stage in his hot but vile outfit. In fact it was a way too different!



Guys team up & infest Master-milma’s cottage that his father had abandoned long before. They celebrate at their new domicile. When I say celebrate, booze is obviously involved. This time, the guys feel that their booze revelry has to be revamped. Not because it is boring but they feel the need of a sentinel at their guard & hence decide to call on the spirits of the dead. Milma sets up an ‘Ouija board’ & starts chanting ‘Good spirit please come... good spirit please come...” The cottage was next to a dilapidated cemetery & that added to the eerie ambiance; on the backdrop you could listen to the croaking frogs, the soothing breeze, the vulpine howls & milma’s chants. Rest of the horde was silenced not by the creepy milieu, but the liquor had started to meddle with their brains. They were sitting around, staring @ the board anxiously awaiting their ghostly amigo. After a few minutes of vein attempt (which under the influence of liquor, feel like ages), Guys felt bored & they started mimicing milma’s *hocus pocus*.Just as the team slips into a merry state, a gust sweeps by & a weird ‘Khoooor... khooor...” sound resounds from nowhere. Every one recovers back to alert... they sense the presence of an alien entity. Milma’s chant grew stronger & his hands shivered as the planchet moved rightwards. None knew if it was the spirits or milma’s trembling hands that moved it & those who where sipping their pegs, the drinks got trapped in their throat! The ‘Khooor...’ sound suddenly stopped followed by ‘pin drop silence’, then a ‘Yaaawn’ & then again started the sound ‘Khooor ... Khooor...’ . Guys turned around to see the source of the ‘Khooor...’ it was Mr.Maatha snoring away into his deep slumber... Now that we had found out our lil Casper! We dint waste a moment ‘Chavitti avanae pandaaram adakki ’

Mr.V , His father & his Grandfather forms the male lineage in his household. After combined study @ Mr.V’s home, his Mom serves a luscious lunch for V’s pals. Seeing the assorted dishes one of'em asks aunty.
Guy: Aunty, ethellam Aunty Vachathaano?
Aunty: athae monae.
Guy: Aiyoo , nammal vannathu buthimutaayi kanumallo aunty , Oru servant`nae vaichudae?
Aunty: “Servat`nae vaikkanam ennu agraham elanjitalla , 18 vayasinu thazae ulla penninae niruthan patilla ; ente oru makan ellae evidae !!! 35 vayasinu thazhaullathaanengiloo ; aa makante achan undu evidae !!! athinum mukalil prayam ulla sthree aanengiloo ? avante appupan ondu evidae !!! namal enthinaa veruthae risk edukunnae ?”

V’s appetite was served right, even before he could start tasting the food & the guys had a belly laugh at his mom’s merciless friendly fire...


...Folks, didn’t we get some thing more than a degree from our college? “So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money when we look back now, will that joke still be funny?”-Vit.C .Now this is what we are all left with, a few memoirs... the smile, tears & peace that they restore.

                     Oh when I look back now
             The summer seemed to last forever
                     And if I had the choice
               Ya - I'd always wanna be there
            Those were the best days of my life!

  

                             'Find the X Y & Z'

“Oru Rocket Vidan Pooya Kadha” : Main Project.

Disclaimer
[.... 99% of the story is nonfiction & any resemblance to people living (or dead) is purely intentional ;) ...]

Let me take you a few years back through the lane that faded with time but bestowed me with many memories & experiences. It’s the college life & this event took place a few years back, towards the beginning of 2006. The New Year has blossomed with new life, dreams & hope. Time has drawn to closure of the ‘Happy Days’ of our life; but for many of my kind these final days at college where like the Judgment Day. Once out of college, people expected us to be either employed; go for M Tech or an MBA. But the past 4 years had proved that books are never meant for me.

‘Kaiyil oru jooly ella … athae samayam classil olla chila pillerkku Moonum Naalum Joolikal, that too in MNCs. College kazhinju erangumbole akae kaiyil undaairikunnathu Suppliyum Critiyum chertu oru kettu Mark-Listukal, poraanju collegilaePriciyum Management`um aadarapurvam sammanicha Memo`kalum Suspension letterukalum ‘ With such proficiency the best career we could dream would be to join a Political party & try out our luck. ‘Anganae Naatukarkum veetukarkum veendatha oru jeevitham Nayikunna kaalam.’ But there was a talk among our group (Vaali`group) that if we get to do a project in a reputable institution, then it is probable to get a job.


When the time came to enroll our names to the companies, luck was harsh with us; as usual marks were a bar. Those who had high academic merit teamed up for submitting the applications. We realized how it feels to be left behind & it was out of sheer frustration that the trio ‘Aby, Vishnu & Rahul’ was born; myself & Vishnu‘ve been together for mini project & we carried the legacy of presenting an irrefutable fake project last year, & this time Rahul was a replacement for one member of that notorious team. We filled up VSSC form; but no matter how we calculated, the aggregates were in no par with the ‘Buji teams’ so we dint even bother about further proceedings. Only a few seats where available & to compete with the ‘Bujis’ would no less than ‘Sreeshant challenging Sachin to taste his pathetic York!’ .As usual, there were a bunch of guys who remained stranded when the whole world moved on. Now what to do next? Someone told: ‘Aliya eeni charadu valikal ondengilae rekshayollu’. As per the advice; though by twisted means, we managed to get an opening into IISU (ISRO inertial systems Unit). Three of us where in ‘Cloud 9’ when our project was confirmed, the news spread among our Vaali` group that we‘ve been elevated to elite strata with the ‘Bujis’. Meanwhile we learned from our class that Harish’s group (a classmate) has also joined IISU for project... well, thus migrate one more to the new band.

The day came when we set our foot on the land which was once forbidden for us. The Gates of IISU, with soldiers clad in vests & Kalashnikovs; the frisking that we under went, gave us a feel that we where in some military zone. Though our intentions were to meet our guide; we loitered though the corridors & as our search progressed we encountered sights that would’ve astound many; intricate gadgets, mammoth servers etc but none of them seemed to amuse the trio.

Rahul : “Enthuvadae ethu ? oru color um ellello evidae?”.
Me : “eni athintae kuravumkuudae ollu, da ethu ladies hostel alla !!! “
Vishnu :.“avan marudae kaiyilae thooku nee kandallo ? Vellavalaeyum commentadichitu venam , vediyum kondu evide kidannu nilavilikkan”

We Bantered & moved along, but were interrupted by something weird but wonderful. It was a VLSI lab & through it’s glass pane we gazed in wonder to see men; all clad in white suits, hood, gloves & boots … it was for the first time that we were seeing it for real ‘Now this is awesome, we all said to our selves‘

“…Nook`Aliyaaa !...“ (for one sec I thought , ‘ethentha ashareeriyo?’); but that was Rahul’s cry! from the other side of the corridor. We turned to see something stunning; the astounding laboratories were in no par with the charm decanted from this one in front of our eyes! Yes, it was a Lady, but to call her a lady would be an understatement… she was an 8th wonder. Like in the movies, she was strolling (cat walking) through the corridor in slow motion (of course, she dint walk slow but we felt so). As she left us behind with out jaws dropped & mystified by her spell, we bounced back into the old topic again “Colors”

Me : “Enthairunneda! aa pooyathu ? “
Vishnu: “Athu , eviduthu kaari aano da ? ”
Rahul : “Kandal arinjuudae? aval north indianaa monae”
Vishnu :”Shariya , alavalathi malaylikaludae edayil yengane kittana, engane oru piecinae ? ”

After having spent some significant time in search of some more exquisite specimens, we had to conclude that what we came across was unique & by end of day we proceeded to see our Guide. A few minutes after we reached our guide’s dept room, the new character of the story turned up; a medium build, with thick moustache, he was a typical archetype of a Mallu hero: ’a poor fellow’.

In the Dept room:
Guide: “Ghan work cheyyunna Projectintae oru section ningalae kondu chaiyikkam aanu udeeshikunnathu”
Rahul : ”Nammal chaiyyam Sir, pakshae challenging aayirikanam ”
Vishnu & Me (Gave a cold stare @ Rahul)
Guide : “Pinnae ! its good enough… ‘Scatterometer ctrl data acquisition & processing’ It’s a section of ‘Oceansat-2’… Blah blah blah”. The briefing went for an hour or so, with a bunch of graph’ waveforms & diagrams; Rahul seemed to comprehend whatever the guide was explaining. His class was so magical that rest of us were literally falling off our chairs.
Guide: “Appole sambhavam ellam manasilaayi ennu vishwasikkunnu. tomorrow morning, be at my lab. You will get 1 month to finish it off.”
All: “Shari Saar!” (With an obvious tone of sarcasm)
While driving back home:
Me : “Dai , angeeru paranjathu vellathum manasilaayo ?”
Rahul : “Angeeru paranjathu vachu nookiyal Rocket nammal thannae videendi varum !”
Vishnu : “Ethano , eyalu kannadiyum fit cahitu etra neeram keetu kondirunathu ? manasilayilengil athu parayada, kidannu urulaathae ” & three of us broke into laughter.

We woke up afresh next day; we knew our lives where going 2 take a U-turn from now on. Though quite unexpected from chaps of our kind, we managed to be punctual. Our guide escorted us to the lab. It was quite a huge room packed up with comps; many electronic & mechanical gadgets where scattered around, among them stood ‘our last hope’ Scatterometer with its head held high. Once we got acquainted with our sanctum, our guide summoned us for next round of briefing – “Aaah Not again”, I wanted to shout it out loud.

Guide: ‘ethanu Scatterometer; it’s a microwave radar, ...he went on & on…’
Vishnu (whisper): “Machambi, Ee Sunaappiyil aano work cheyyendunnathu? Nadannathu thannae ! ”
Guide(good ears): ‘Ethil alla ningal work cheyyunathu , you make the simulations ; athu adyam work cheyyanam … pinnae baaki ’
Guide (Pointing @ a middle aged lady with horny glasses, standing across the room): She would assist you in this project; she has been working on the same project.
Vishnu (whisper):”Engarae poraanju aa Ammachiyayum sahikkano ?”

Once the briefing was over, our hopes sank; it was rather a dilemma whether we (who’ve never faired in Labs) could make it up to his expectations
Vishnu (to Rahul): “Samaadhanam aayallo ? mariyathaykku oru certificate oppikan ollathinu ; avante oru challenging project. Annan thaniyae erunnu ondakku ! “
Me: “Eda, entayalum nananju eni namakku kulichu kayaram.”

Though Rahul’s urge for a challenging project was a mockery; now it had turned out to be a real challenge. The project requirements where more than we had expected. The worse part of it is that, the Lady was developing the very same thing & to deliver the requirement before she does was a question of pride for us. If the contrary happens then it is going to be more than a shame, “3 guys loosing it to a lady! Not in a life time...“.We pumped up our morale; locked & loaded, the days ahead saw the ‘3 men army’ in action. But the lady didn’t seem to have much regard for the effort we used to put into the project. She made frequent visits to our desk to check our advancements .Knowing that it was not just a race against time but also against ‘that lady’ we had no choice but to slog,. For the first time after getting into B.tech we were sweating blood. To much of my disbelief, the whole team was toiling. Now we where in a position to hope against hope; but the sadder part is that the alliance didn’t last for long. We observed Rahul’s interest peter out gradually, from absent mindedness to unfinished tasks & recurrent disappearance (‘mungals’) b/w work.

Time went on, the final days where closing in; we were lagging ‘Indian teaminae polae avasaananimisham kondu kudam odaikkumo ennairunnu ente peedi’... until one day, at noon

Me: “Da Rahul evidae ?”
Vishnu : “ Aah ! evidae ondirunnallo etra neeram , chayakudikkan pooyi kaanum ?”
Me: “ee neerathu entha ottaykku oru chaya kudi ? vaa namukkum chaya kudikaam”
As we proceeded to the canteen we came across Hareesh
Vishnu: “Ha! Nee chathillae ? evideya ninte lab aara ninte Guide? ”
Hareesh: “Onum parayenda , onumae work cheyyunilla , pakshae guide Vedikettanu monae , oru ‘N!@n@ Thakur’; baa kaanichu tharam !”

Hareesh took the lead; myself & Vishnu followed him to the cryogenics department & he slowly opened the door for us to take a peek but what we saw there left use flabbergasted. His guide was none but the Northy lady who left 3 of us in a hypnotic spell the very first day. This time it was not her spell that stunned us, it was Rahul & he was speaking to her in Hindi! Yeah Hindi , neva in the worlds ‘ve I heard him speak Hindi ! “Is` port sae us` port thak ......... Ni@n@! eisaye connect karkae deeko yaar!” he was tutoring her how to connect the DAQ card to the server. The very same thing we had taught him the day before; “Eda Perum kalla!” I bet this was what, went thru back of our heads as we listened to that crook. He was too animated by the talk that he dint even notice us & as he pivoted 2 c two of his mates staring; he delivered noting but a typical clinical smile, to which Vishnu yelled with anger & jist “Piyae TUNE cheyyeda , avalu karinju pookum!” “Eni nee angootu vaa”. Thanks, ‘the 8th wonder’ didn’t know ABCs of Malayalam; she kept a composed smile when she saw two unwelcomed jerks shouting in her room.

Interestingly the incident not just solved the mystery of Rahul’s frequent disappearance, but also gave us a fresh reason to do our project. We studied not jus to finish off the project but were also waiting for a chance to tutor the 8th wonder. In the end, our hard work was paid off; our simulation worked flawlessly & the fact that the program given by the lady who worked in tandem with us for meeting the same goal was a flop, added to the sweetness of our success. Now the only barrier b/w us & the certificate was the project report. One month of acquaintance with our guide had left us with the knowledge that he is an idealist, so we had to produce some thing that he won’t reject. During the last days we came across some well prepared documents in our comp, authored by our very own Guide for the sake of his studies; as the saying goes “Leopards can’t change its spots “, the congregation of our devious brains resulted in yet another drama! And in the end as we submitted our completed reports before our beloved guide, with his work in our pages; the expression that swept through his face was an Awe which almost read ‘Odukkam ente nengathotu thannae rocket vitello , makkale !’ & when he scribbled his precious signature on our certificates, we where happy that to see our dream fruitioned & we had lived up to the notorious legacy our team had left behind the previous year.


                              Mo$T W@nTeD

The Hall of Fame

‘The University Exam’ is the last word that any B-tech student prefers to hear. To secure our degree, we had to undergo the pain of taking those exams. The lab exams where the biggest gamble, “kittiyal bumper allengil pauper”. Even If luck favors you, there used to be an annoying round of viva where the external examiner gets to test our creativity & prove our stupidity; what ever you may come up with. The electrical lab in S4 (2004) was one of a kind. Being an EC student; motors meant nothing more than a rotating chunk & the hefty gauges made no sense to me. To add on to the aversion to that subject, the university had honored me with a ‘suppli’ for the ‘basic electrical engineering paper’ in S3.

In the lab gals used to be the live brains’, for me fooling around & sleeping where the subjects of importance. Last but not the least, the motor fly wheels had to be rinsed; the only job that guys used to assist in. The bottom line is that, by the semester end you would be left with nothing but a blank record, which had to be completed & submitted before the exams. The days before exam would be dedicated for this karma.

The first ever experiment I had done in the Electrical lab was on the day previous to University exam. After going through the pages of the record I concluded to try out the easiest experiment. It involved a transformer (that’s the only knowledge about that experiment I have now) & that was the only experience I tried hands on, before facing the University exam. My strategy was 2 cover the theory as it will come in handy 4 viva, as for the out put in practicals; it was a venture.

Now, the D-day has come, the first batch including myself was waiting out side the lab. A few of them where engaged in their futile attempts to mug up every thing possible whether it be graph’s or even values, while the pragmatists where indulging in taking down special notes popularly known as “THUNDU” & the air was filled with typical dialogues like…

“Aliyaaa vellathum padicho ?”

“Enikku onnum ariyathilla”

“Machambi’ vellathum kaanichu tharanae”

“External valippikumo ?”

“avaru CET yile oru teacher aa”

In no time the lab was set & questions where distributed,
The question for me was “Plot the speed torque cara of a DC synchronous motor”
Hmmm…, I put down every thing I could recollect about the motor but the circuit diagram that I had studied last night had transformed itself into something absurd. I kept gazing at the motor. It has two poles but for the motor in my diagram, the poles have reduced to one. I had to take chances. To my right side I could see Biju taking pain to copy down from the “thundu” he had made. With a sign of relief I asked him

“Aliyaa, DC motor thundu ondo?”

With a proud smile he took a slip from his pocket & showed it. It was my life line
I took as glance at his miniaturized diagram

“Eppole kitti evide yaa pole ennu” (I said to myself)

My work was half done. To much of my relief the examiner gave me green signal to wire up the motor. After wiring up, I was all set to try my luck. The internal examiner (Mija mam) examined the circuit & asked me
“Aby kku eni entha cheyyandthu ennu ariamoo?”
It had an unusual tone of sarcasm that seemed to question the attitude I’ve strutted all through those years.
With my ‘Enna pidicho’ style, I pushed the button ‘ON’ “Vroom…vroom”
The Motor was on the run.

Some one from the side whispered “Dai, Bucketil vellam konduvannu ozhikku”.



I switched the motor off; it was then that I remembered the ground rule for “DC synchronous motor” the load has to be high or else it might damage the motor, due to some reason that I’m still unaware of. I increased the load to the max ‘Eni load illathatu karanam Exam tholkkan paadillaloo’ & switched it ON again. I listened to the motor’s hum. To my ears, it was a sweet sound of success. By the time I reached back to pour some water into the fly wheel the “vroom” transformed into a “buzz…zzz” & then came to a STOP !

“ Oops ! kalipaayo ? ellam adichi pooyo?”

Mean while Mija passed by, I gestured her indicating that some thing has gone wrong. She asked me “ motor ninal enta cheyyandathu ? My response was an innocent smile
“athenganeyaa vellathum chaithu nookiyaal alle ariyou! FUSE kettanam , eppole engilum padichu vaicho adutha supppilku upakaara pedum”

I remembered how Anuja used to wind up the fuse & tie it down; I did the same. But much to my amazement the motor didn’t respond thanks to my bad luck. Checked and rechecked the circuit but all efforts where fruitless.

“Dang! What has happened?”

Neither Mija nor the external knew what had gone wrong. She summoned for electrician, Binu annan alias “Current Binu”. My prayers gave him company while he attempted to fix the snag. After a brief inspection he looked back at me & said

Binu annan : “ aaha, thangalaano ee pani opiche ?”
Myself (sigh) “haaa… anna , vellathum nadakkumo ?”
Binu annan : “Ninte faghyam poolae erikkum ! … angootu mari ninnae ”

And he proceeded to a structure that very much resembled a refrigerator, Me & Mija accompanied him.

Mija : “ ethano? pooyae “
Binu annan: “ Wah , ethuh thane”
Mija gave me a cold stare.

My further queries left me with the knowledge that it was an AC- DC converter that costs quiet a fortune. Biju annan opened the device unveiling a colossal stack of circuit boards, that left me like “WTF* !”. With utmost vigil annan pulled out a board from the stack & replaced the fuses, mounted it back& powered it up, to produce a weird “bizzzzz” sound. Mused by the noise, he peeked through its vents. “BHAAM !!!” & the device became a smoke shell throwing annan a few steps behind!!! The whole episode was soon followed by a distant noise, listening to which Binu annan exclaimed “substation trip aayae !” & scrambled his way out through the doors. A small err has burgeoned into TOTAL CHAOS’.

I stood there petrified; forsaken by all fortune. I pictured myself toiling in the lab 6 months into the future , for the next suppli exam.Cursing my fate , I took seat next to my long time chum ‘Vivek’ who had been caught for indulging in malpractice & was detained for the time being. Reaching out to me, he told “Aliyaa! neeyum moonji ; gahnum moonji… enium samayam ondadae namukku paiyyae ezhuti edukkam” & we laughed at each other fate.

With half an hour left to mark the end of exam, I was called up for viva. Come what may! now that everything is ruined, with all gut I occupied the hot seat.

External examiner: “ Othiri , kashtapettu kaanumello ?”
Me : Onnum manapurvam alla ,
External examiner :Entha sambahaviche ennu manasilaaayo ?
Me : Load Kooti vaikkana padipichae, appole ghan load kooti; pakshe aa load motor thangiyilla.

The conversation was soon followed by a relentless flow of question, most of which I was hearing 4 the 1st time & in the end the examiner gave a record & asked 2 copy down the values from it. ‘Phew! Now at least I can fill my answer sheet with some figures’

When the exam was done with, I was complimented by many of my friends, 4 having relieved them from the pain of studying all DC experiments .For that university exam No DC experiments where asked, thanks to my wretched hands. The news spread like wild fire. On those days, who ever came across me credited with the statement:

“Thanks aliyaa ! nee karanam lab exam ..rekshapettu “.

Was it a Miracle or not I don’t know! ; But by God’s grace that was the last day I ever had to be in the Electrical Lab & after a few months when I happened to bump into Mr Current Binu , I learned from him that the machine couldn’t be fixed even after the engineers from its makers ( kirloskar ) gave in their bests. In the end the insurance claimed was approved & the machine was replaced. That lab exam had brought in a sweeping change to my attitude. As the saying goes, "Prevention is better than cure", so from then on never did I dare to touch any gadgets in the lab & theory was way sweeter than the practicals.