Saturday, May 17, 2008

Close encounter with the other Kind!

"No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing." - Seymour Hicks

God found that every thing that he had created was beautiful, took rest on the 7th day... & then he created woman, had he done a mistake once & for all? ... on the other side , the aphorism goes like this, God made man & he said to himself “I can do better” & created woman...The most beautiful & intricate among all creations of God is woman & it is true, for each of ‘em is quite a fascinating specimen on their own. Almighty has adorned their tribe with gems like Mother Teresa the ‘saint of gutters’ to Marline Monroe, the ‘femme fatale’ and this is an attempt to create a collage of the fair sex based on some Third person narrations, observations, experiences & first person acquaintance...

Miss. Barbie heads to a Beauty parlor just for a hair cut that Cost her 50/-. After trimming, The beautician asks if she wants a massage...why not? That makes 20 bucks extra. Then the beautician exalts & endorses their new herbal facial package which is quiet cheap, just 500 bucks. Poor lil Barbie yields to the shrewd tactics, Oh yeah she needed to thread her eyebrows that adds 535 bucks to her bill. She enjoys a plushy night & returns back home by an auto. The auto’ meter clocks 57.80, unfortunately the auto driver rounds it off to 60. The hike gets under Barbie’s nerve, Barbie steps into a fray with the autowaala & yells at the driver with her matte Hindi. “Hamaarae ghar pae, paisa ped sae nahi aathi!!!” It took a second for the driver to digest Miss Barbie’s Hindi adaptation of the mallu saying “Ente veetil panam kaykunna maran onnum ella !”. Though goofy, Barbie manages to profit 3Rs...Madam why dint your tight-fist show up, at the parlor? Incidentally after a week, Miss. Barbie had to consult a doc to fix her pimpled complexion, thank to ayurvedic facial package & curses of the autowaala ...*chuckle*.

A priori truth of this era is that, the youngsters leave their nest quite early & seek a successful career life... the best part of it is that, they get to experiment a lot (It’s a new circle, the kith & kin ain’t around).A clear evidence for this progressive transformation is their ever evolving wardrobe & Cinderella (lets call her Cind)is an affiliate to this club. Given a day, she would splash out on what ever her wallet can bear. If that doesn’t quench, the Credit cards will do rest of the job...One day during such a shopping spree, Cind tries out a T-shirt which by chance was too tight to hold her. She calls up Joey to comment how it suits her (they always need some expert opinion).When Joey nears the Trial room; there stands Cind, she was just about to pour out of her clothes any second

Cind: Hey! how is it ? Is it fine? Does it look good? (Takes a pose in front of the mirror & swivels)
Joey: *Gasp* ‘Errrrr...’ (looks around 2 c if someone other than God is watching this stunner)
Joey: *Choke* *ahem* I don’t know! it suits u well ....... but...’
Cind: But ? but what ?
Joey: it is a lil tight.... I mean...U should be suffocating in there ... even this very sight chokes me! ...
Cind: that’s fine; I can wear it in the office, tell me if it looks good on me ? (turns to the mirror again)
Joey: yeah it surely does ... it is absolutely enticing
Joey: But would you dare wear this, once u are back to home town?
Cind: Neva!!! That’s why I’m trying it out here...
Joey: *Aaah* *Sigh* ...Neva Mind!

But Joey had the last laugh, in fact his comment worked out! Cind didn’t dare to make that pick.

Wilma, Flint & Barney (from the Flintstones) make an ensemble. The tweaking to be done here is that Wilma is not yet Flint’s better half, but rather she is his GF & Barney is a friend to both. The band is out for shopping. Flint badly needs a new shirt. It is quiet natural but regretful that the pick must abide by Wilma’s taste. To be on the safer side Flint leaves the first & the last choice to Wilma...& the aftermath, long shopping hours... After hours of sweat & toil in the trial room, Flint calls up Barney (Who was sleeping on a couch that was put up on display) to know how the new shirt looks on him & Barney says “Until now, U guys were shopping for Curtain cloths!!!” Wilma who overheard the criticism comes up with her justification “Those pink grape & green vines with white border looks good on him!” & Barney *Groan* “Aye, You’ve plans to put him up as a scarecrow?” *huh*

During a casual discussion about marriage, dowry & there after...; Cind comes up with her inane hypothesis with a citation. Cind claims that her cousin married a ‘Konkani Brahmin’ whose species is said to have the chromosomes of the Aryan invaders blended with those of a specific offshoot of Dravidian tribe. The interesting part of the theory is that after a few years, Cind dropped down to visit the ‘Lived happily ever after couple’ but to Cind’s surprise, her cousin (who is not a Konkani Brahmin, but his wife is) looked just like a ‘Konkani Brahmin’. Cind didn’t ask for a Nobel Prize but she wanted the audience to approve ‘Cind’s theory of evolution’ where in,a wedlock can beget unexpected mutations. Though the legend of hitches has it that the mental transfiguration is a force majeure, but this episode of physical transmutation is quite a paradox.

The only 3 things below the skies that can entertain women are ‘Shopping’ ‘Shopping’ & ‘Shopping’ alone... not to mention ‘the discount sale’ & ‘season sale’...a few Discount banners can pull a crowd big enough to smack the pulp out of the militants across the border, once the sale is over, the shop is often mistook for ‘Ground Zero’, even a military blitz would’ve shown a little mercy to that Mall. Once infected by the Shopaholic pathogen, complete cure is a remote possibility & the symptoms of infection include sleepless night before the d-day, painfully long shopping hours, putting the hangers-on with queries like ‘What do you think?’, ‘tell your final decision’, ‘Do you think I’ve shape in this out fit?’ ... (even round is a shape honey!!!) & when you ask ‘don’t u think we are already late?’ observe if the face turning green... the cycle is complete then.

Betty has a liking for those ‘high heels’. It requires a good walk from the main gate of the office to reach Betty’s Cubicle. The lush campus has a walk way that has been paved with rock slabs that are recessed; to walk on that pavement with a high pointed heel is of course a hassle & for Betty, it is like a walk on the rope & she always complaints to jug-head ‘Why the hell do they put such a pavement? I keep tripping all over!’ (The walk way is approximately 0.5Km long)... 3 months later...
The setting remains unchanged... Betty goes bitching about the pavement to Jug Head & once the dust settles in, Jug head asks Betty “You’ve been whining about the pavement since months ... let me ask you, changing you footwear or reconstructing this pavement ? Which one do u think is plausible?”

Jug head, Betty, Monica , Wilma, Cind goes to a hotel & at the table
Waiter : Sir what would you like for starter ?
Jug : hmmm... bring me some ...
Wilma(interrupts) : we will go directly to the main course.
Jug: Ok then bring me schezwan prawn noodles , with extra spice.
Monica (mumbles to the rest & orders): two butter naan with one kadai chicken.
Jug (anxiously) : ...and...
Waiter(anxiously): ...and...
Cind: that would do
Waiter (disappointed): Thank you Mam.
Jug: Was that your starter or mains?
Betty: we thought of sharing half a naan each, even finishing that is a tough task for us!!!

On the break fast table at the office, Bluffy happens to comment about her home town Kottayam & about Achaayans from that part of the world. According to her ... the proficiency to become an Achaayan is that he should wear only jubbahs, booze has to be his health drink, he should come to church not to attend the Holy mass but to flaunt his new Merc’, he must own at least 300 acres of rubber plantation and he must eat, drink & breathe rubber and rubber only...and once she starts rolling, it sounds like Blah blah & blah! PS: Bluffy seemingly know so much about her home town that, if she is asked to draw a map of the world it would be 2 adjacent circle one named Kottayam & other Palla. But the other half of the reality is that it is her only bailiwick.

Archie & Wonder woman goes to a book shop. (onymous ‘Wonder woman’, because even in a crowd you can spot her wondering into the space of wilderness; day dreaming! to be précised... she lives a good part of her life in her own wonder land.) After hours of hunt, Wonder-woman picks her favorite book. She bills her Pick & proceeds to the exit door which in fact is a spotlessly clean door way. One shut, with the security guard on the other side & the other door wide open. As she strides down to the exit, turns round to Archie and says “Cmone , the movie will start now”... Archie’s eye pops out as though he is watching something dreadful & lifts his hand to signal, but wonder woman had already turned back. “Bham!” she sticks hard on to the closed glass door. The security on the other side of the door wakes up & leaps a foot aside to safety. Casher & people around breaks to laughter as thought it was the best thing that happened in that shop ever!

A pop-up juts on Chandler’s monitor (during office), it read: ‘Message from Olive – New USB technology’. Chandler downloads the attachment & watches it .But as he watches, gradually his jaw drops in amazement & bewilderment. It was a video of doggy shaped USB that once plugged to the Laptop would start throbbing as though it is bonking it shit out the gadget! The mail shot was in fact a group mail. After office when Chandler sees Olive, he advances with a Grin toward her but by that
time some one sensible had told her that the mail was a kind of dark joke but dint tell he what exactly it was. So even before Chandler could open his mouth,
Olive says: “I never knew that it meant a Dog peeing on the laptop ! , I thought it was just another cute mail !”
Chandler : “Peeing!!!” ... (Chandler laughs the hell out! & flees from the spot before he rolls to death)

At the lunch table ... guys grieve about the dipping Sensex! The health of market can be known if you can read their faces! On the other end of the table, Rachel and Monica would be absorbed in animated discussion...

R: Hey did u know that Sandra is getting married?
M: Is it? What about Ruben ? She ditched him?
R: Haa`, but now he goes out with the gal next to my cubicle!
M: U means Jane? oh she had put a lil weight off late.
R: Ow, talking about Weight, I need to keep this pudding aside!

As it is said Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.

PS: Though I thought of making a portrait, the universal ambiguity of this much debated topic, WOMEN! Left me with no choice but to put some fragments in order & may be; derive a vague imprint of ‘the EVE’...Woman is what she is. The more you understand; you realize that you got even more to know!!!

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious! Loved Miss Barbie's adventures! Great snaps to go with the prose too ... u rokk!